Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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