Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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