What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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