i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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