I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
