I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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