i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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