Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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