the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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