I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize