Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
