the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
