Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
