You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
