Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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