Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
