I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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