i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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