Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
