I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
