if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
