I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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