I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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