the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
