come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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