im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
