i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
