I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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