I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize