I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
