I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
