I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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