i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
