Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize