Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize