Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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