Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
