her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
