well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
