Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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