not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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