The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
