remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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