im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
