Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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