Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
