I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
