my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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