U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sext me about skeletons
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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