apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
