I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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