i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
