I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You smell like stripper and shame
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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