Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
