Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize