Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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