don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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