I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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