NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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