Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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