I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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