R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
