Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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