Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
