We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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