u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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