She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
