I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
