i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
BRING THE BAGELS
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We are all done wearing pants today
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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