Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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