I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize